'Take It On The Chin' Pt. 2

'Take It On The Chin'  Pt. 2


End of Pt. 1: 

... It was weighing on me heavily. My younger brother, Ian, called me from across the United Sates, and Ian says to me,

"Bump! [short for Bumper, my family nickname], your in a lot of pain.  I can feel it, and I can hear it.  I am going to get you over here because I need you too."...

Pt. 2

While my brother wanted me to be there, I wanted to see my brother, his wife, and my niece and nephews, and I talked it up as such.  In all honesty I did want to see them: however, I was more concerned with myself and my own feelings, because I wanted to RUN, I wanted to ESCAPE, I wanted to LEAVE BEHIND all that was happening as if it were to dissolve and disappear before I returned to New York.  

Ian and I talked it up, and two days later Sabina and I were on a plane to California.

We landed on my father's birthday.  

After landing in California the energy had not changed really, it was weird.  My brother and I were happy to see each other, I was joyed to see my niece and nephews, and happy to see my sister-in-law. More important to me is that they looked comfortable, secure, but still there was something missing.  Or maybe what was missing was missing in me!! 

There was a calmness and a quietness to my brother's family and I was not accustomed to that. The anxiety level was at a minimum and this was almost unreal for me.  Everything seemed to move so much slower, and my brother and his family seemed to be okay in a sense or satisfied with whatever was going on at the present moment-not being used to this either, it was a lot to absorb at first but led the way for me to take it easy, and so I tried (*stillness).

Unfortunately for us all: jet-lagged, hungry, distant and anxious I was not communicating with Sabina.  As a result we bumped heads and had an argument.  

Now when my wife and I argue I do not say hateful, mean, vindictive, or resentful claims and comments.  No, I try and talk to her as fair and carefully as possible (she will vouch for that): but, I will admit that I raise my voice when I can no longer take it.  

So, because we were at my brother's house, I did not want to cause a scene, and I definitely did not want to argue with my best friend any longer - I left the house and set out to walk as far as I could and as fast as I could.  

Running, escaping, leaving it all behind hoping that it will dissolve or disappear before I return.  

It couldn't be washed away, this time, my brother joins me.  My brother begins to walk with me, talk to me, and ask me questions.  He is trying to keep up with my pace, I'm walking fast, tense, and I look over time to time to see his face and body language.  Having to look backwards each time because he is directly behind me and to the side, speaking to me, trying to make sense of everything.  Each time I look at him I get more-and-more angry WITH MYSELF because now I feel like I am disturbing the comfort, security, and energy in my brother's home.  It's killing me to know that he can see me like this, down, confused, hurt, and looking for a path to take.

He looks for words.  He tries his best to be honest with me without harming me.  He tells me how much he loves me and reminds me that I am stronger than what he is witnessing.

He breaks through the anger and I finally speak without braking my stride.  We have walked blocks now and have kept my same angry pace throughout.  He asked, and I answered questions, but I was vibrating at a scary level and I was not giving him the attention I should have-my arrogance kicked in.  

No, instead I started telling him why I couldn't do this, and why I couldn't do that, and how I couldn't possibly be like this, and I couldn't possibly be like that, and asking questions like-"What more am I supposed to do?"  Making claims like, "I've tried everything!"  Or, "I'm done!" And, "I just can't take it anymore!"

Well, let me just say that my Ian did not put down his sword.  He continued to look me in my eye and fight my arrogance with all that he had.  He tried his best to hit my arrogance as hard as he could but without grunting at me.  He was trying his best to be careful, wise, and impacting when he spoke because he's all to familiar with the arrogance that traps me in on all sides. 

My brother is just taking the blows as I'm throwing 'em.  He's getting cut off in mid-sentence, he's getting yelled at, he getting head nods and head shakes before and after every suggestion he offers-the boy is trying to talk to me and I JUST COULD NOT HEAR HIM. 

Then suddenly he said to me, "Bump, I feel like I am failing you!"  Everything in me including the blood in my veins came to a screeching stop like a car skidding for some feet with the brakes totally engaged. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee>>>>>>>>

To be continued...