Restless
I can only torture myself with a wonder so loud, it is deafening to my dreams and turns my pillows to cement. With eyes wide open in a dark so black I can't see my thoughts race around my head in circles never ending.
I can't slow them enough to stumble over understanding and steady my mind to aim for answers. I try not to feel pain. I try and block the unnerving thought of the difficulty she has loving herself enough to allow me to love her.
The 'why's' envy the 'what ifs', and my eyes trip over tears that sting my cheeks and taste bitter on my lips. I want to scream in sorrow but she won't hear me. She won't see the fear in my face and the death of my heart.
Ripped to parts, I wait for her to make a sound so I can dance in the music of her voice with my arms spread wide like a child plays in the rain. I wait for her to send me a sign so I can fly like an angel in praise, with silk wings so beautiful my feathers create rainbows for the world to see my joy in her.
My smile becomes a stranger to my face, and my chest pounds with the vibrations of a thousand giants marching to nowhere. My stomach filled with the emptiness of a hunger I can't explain even to myself, a craving I never fathomed would bequeath such misfortune.
Hunting for moments that I can feast upon to create memories to digest, memories that will fill the space between my ribs and atmosphere between my ears so I may be full of comfort and unafraid of fear. Memories that are forever bound to her and always near.
But instead the thought of losing her weakens my strength and I crumble. Minute to minute I fumble through thorn fields that rip the skin from my ability to love, and I bleed from the pores of my soul to the surface of my vessel with so much discomfort I cannot close my eyes.
Hours go by, and days die, and nights become time I don't look forward to spending. Time that sits stiller than 4am while the world sleeps and still I am awake, staring at nothing, wondering how the walls around me can be so unforgiving they crush what parts of me are still living.
I lay awake, I dare not sleep, for she may forget me. She may turn to look away from me, and I may never see her face again. I may never see her smile, I may never see her laugh, I may never see her weep, while all I want is to know she loves me, so that I can fall asleep.
Choicemas
