Restless

Restless

I can only torture myself with a wonder so loud, it is deafening to my dreams and turns my pillows to cement. With eyes wide open in a dark so black I can't see my thoughts race around my head in circles never ending.

I can't slow them enough to stumble over understanding and steady my mind to aim for answers. I try not to feel pain. I try and block the unnerving thought of the difficulty she has loving herself enough to allow me to love her.

The 'why's' envy the 'what ifs', and my eyes trip over tears that sting my cheeks and taste bitter on my lips. I want to scream in sorrow but she won't hear me. She won't see the fear in my face and the death of my heart.

Ripped to parts, I wait for her to make a sound so I can dance in the music of her voice with my arms spread wide like a child plays in the rain. I wait for her to send me a sign so I can fly like an angel in praise, with silk wings so beautiful my feathers create rainbows for the world to see my joy in her.

My smile becomes a stranger to my face, and my chest pounds with the vibrations of a thousand giants marching to nowhere. My stomach filled with the emptiness of a hunger I can't explain even to myself, a craving I never fathomed would bequeath such misfortune.

Hunting for moments that I can feast upon to create memories to digest, memories that will fill the space between my ribs and atmosphere between my ears so I may be full of comfort and unafraid of fear. Memories that are forever bound to her and always near.

But instead the  thought of losing her weakens my strength and I crumble. Minute to minute I fumble through thorn fields that rip the skin from my ability to love, and I bleed from the pores of my soul to the surface of my vessel with so much discomfort I cannot close my eyes.

Hours go by, and days die, and nights become time I don't look forward to spending. Time that sits stiller than 4am while the world sleeps and still I am awake, staring at nothing, wondering how the walls around me can be so unforgiving they crush what parts of me are still living.

I lay awake, I dare not sleep, for she may forget me. She may turn to look away from me, and I may never see her face again. I may never see her smile, I may never see her laugh, I may never see her weep, while all I want is to know she loves me, so that I can fall asleep.

Choicemas

Open Lotus

As I picked my head up to see before me, instantly magnetic my eyes fixed on you
As if the world became invisible and there were only us two. 

The moment stood still and the seconds ran slow and my legs no longer existed. 
My breathing I could here clearly between my ears and my heart beat shifted

Only the sight before my heart could function well enough to see your smile. 
As you locked eyes with me, each footstep felt like it lasted for years. 
The mystery of you, weighed heavy on all of my fears that...

Love stood before me... and I was without response. Without courage to muster a single word while ashamed of my demure. Time passed and each eye to eye experience captivated the essence of everything my imagination never fathomed before. 

Beyond dreams where the sun meets the moon, where the stars meet the floor and their twilight spills like feelings from my heart while dust turns to light and darkness to bright and with you in my sight...

I implode. All the air around me takes my breath away and twirls me in circles. My nerves dance to the sound of your silence as you look back at me weakening my knees so they dare not approach you. 

How do I... How do I... How do I speak to a beauty so intrinsic that I feel is above me, to a beauty more beautiful than I deserve. How do I introduce your world to mine without falling out of the sky failing to parachute to your expectations. 

And then there was time. Space between us became words and the thrill of your smile brought me closer to your theart. Indeed I was shackled by the portion of my disbelief that I could be a part...

A part of your completion. A part of your whole, a fraction of you. How could I amount to your math. How do I add up to love. How do I divide the distance between the tips of our toes, and the tips of our tongues.

How can I lessen an inch so that I may be in your presence? How can I bend time so that noon kisses midnight and the other 22 hours wrap us in warm days and special nights. How can I complete a sentence, without the taste of your name leaving my tongue and losing your essence.n

You are my revolution, the repudiation of all of my governed thoughts. No longer does structure exist when I crumble over you. You tear down my walls and march to the center of my heart. You open my inner most doors only to find my core belief is you. You make colors come to life and showed me how the moon could be red and the sun could be blue.

You inspire rainbows that paint the sky with dreams of tomorrow, you taught me tomorrow's dreams are dreams we can follow, how the stars are in arm's reach, and the clouds rest beneath our feet. You are the open lotus flower, you bloom love and walk on water.

Lessons In Me

I had the chance to walk away never really took it or understood

Every time I got hurt the thought process was always…. I should

Continue to love continue to be there

Now I’m sitting back saying how foolish could you be

Truth is I’m not angry at the people that hurt me I’m more angry at me

I allowed myself to trust, let down walls even loved unconditionally

Now I almost regret that what I fought for really wasn’t for me

Sometimes if we love things enough we should let it go

Does that mean let go of ourselves till we can’t take anymore

Does it mean to put ourselves last in everything we do?

Pretend that mental and emotional abuse is a beautiful view

Smooth over the problem by saying, and sweeping it to the past

Before you know it months no years go by, and you still haven’t accomplished the true task

Now I pray harder

Cry longer

Sleep less

Feel stronger anger towards me

Beating myself up struggling with the true reality

Is this pity or a cry simply for help? No one can help me until I help myself

You can’t love another, being hurt

You can’t be bruised, and try to care

The honest approach is to clear the air with self-first, and foremost seek God to help you through.

He restores broken, but that anger turns broken into light, and truth.

Accept it

Heal from it

Make it disappear peace be still, rest in it

Then Peace draws near

It starts within just like night to day

Let it quench your heart that the greatest most valuable lessons are Mistakes!!

Joke

Life as a joke
A yoke upon our souls
The lumbering mass of particles
That is me
The stumbling waves of light 
Tumbling eternal
Through the void
Birthed in the mind
Of the Sun
Buried inside God's little punchlines
Us