Your mind rewinds time and patience perseveres as the orgasmic atmosphere clears and you've released your fears~~comfort begins to synchronize with acceptance that I'm here.     
Here in the language of your heart and the mainstream of your every thought~~
Parallel to your existence.
I thought I had it all figured out before being introduced to your prodigious constitution.  My neatly packaged façade was in imminent danger and conscientious provocation offered no immediate solutions.
So when I reached into the reservoir of experiences I stored and found that nothing~~nothing could justify this unfamiliar territory I was beginning to explore I started to travel along the corridors of my mind until I began to find the hallways of my heart, then I slowly traced the landscapes of my core.
I had the keys for these hidden in a place no one has looked before; so hidden I forgot they existed.  They were obstructed by infrastructures built solely upon assumptions about my true self, my true worth, my true inhibitions. 
I seen truth in your eyes; and the dominance in your bravado helped me to relax in the presence of life's adversities~~previously obscured by un-bandaged wounds where sap formed and assurance bloomed.  Buildings were then leveled one by one~~and the sound  tuned chords and plucked strings never strummed.  I listened the song in dreams serenaded by the songs you played.  Listened to the beats you were boxing while in a summer haze and hummed the tune of your orchestrated melody for days and days. I journeyed to the sun blinded by copulance and mesmerized by your ways its such sweet serenity.  I'm captivated by your gestures, bounded where you are until seven times infinity.                

Hold Up!!!!!!

HOLD UP!!!!
Did you just say I wouldn’t succeed?

HOLD UP!!!!
Thought my name was defeat
HOLD UP!!!!!
I know it’s hard for you to believe. Wait just one sec let me roll up my sleeves
HOLD UP!!!!
Let me explain this nice, and slow. Matter of fact have a seat, here we go

HOLD UP!!!!!!
I’ve walked in some dark places been the lowest I could be. Actually have been violated by men in my own family
HOLD UP!!!!
Been abandoned, misused and tossed to the wind. Had to learn early the world was cold and full of sin.

HOLD UP!!!!
See truth is, no one talks about the bad side of life, and if they do it becomes a 'spotlight on me' type situation. Never explaining that their testimony is a victory to be shared. That no matter how heavy the cross, God saved them through mercy and prayer.
HOLD UP!!!!
Am I touching a nerve??? Talking to real?? Am I like En Vogue 'Giving You Something You Can Feel'?? Are you worried that you’ve judged me while secretly judging yourself??

HOLD UP!!!!
I would go deeper, but that might draw tears. If you’re not already about to cry. best question I have is why???
HOLD UP!!!!
I SURVIVED!!! I’m victorious. I’ve succeeded I’m truly free. During those trials & tribulations I was giving a testimony. You're reading, You’re wondering how did she make it through.

I held Gods hand…..and held on to my mustard seed of faith that nothing is impossible without You.

She Knows

Haunted by her eyes.  Imploring, unyielding, void of surprise.  
She knows...Acknowledgement resides inside of dilation.  Its boarders aligned by a condemning gaze subdued by disbelief clouded in haze.  

She knows...and she sees him in the glow of my soul, witnessing the saturation of his adoration in the translucency of my eyes and the confident exuberance of my stride and the sway my hips no longer disguise.

She hears me speak and in between the lines of words unsaid rests his smile accessorized by the subtle tilt of my head.  She analyzes my person, as she inquires within...why not me instead? 

She feels betrayed by Love, angry with Time, weak by Envy and poisoned in the mind.  I wish I could hold her as she articulated what she saw, heard and felt while penetrating her core.  Helping her to reach climax hidden behind circumstance.  Providing keys to unlock restricted doors, and encourage her to keep searching until she has found her definition of "MORE"…  

Because he's just enough for me.  Advise her to cease the search for him because he is within the warmth of my inner thighs and the dip in my breasts.  He is within my treasure and the yearnings of my existence.  He is within me and that is what I know.             

The Moves

I didn't mean to put the moves on you, but that kiss felt perfect. 
I felt the cold air part as you leaned in, the slight curve in the back of your neck.
I swear this isn't game. That half second when you pulled back to breathe my atmosphere, that was perfection. You pulled me close as the snow fell, my lips explored your neck.... a seafarer sighting land. Ambrosia to a starving man. Id claim it if I could, but this land is not mine to claim.
"I know", you repeatedly whisper as I bask in your warmth, finding myself between warm skin and frozen goretex. What is real and what is synthetic...
"I know" you nibble on my ear as I gently lift you, feeling you expand in my hands.
I don't respond because I know as well.
I know this won't last, perfection isn't forever, it's a moment. There to be enjoyed until it's gone. A faint memory of fullness you can't explain.
I swear I'm not running game, I lost the rules. I have incinerated the rules at your altar. I defy the rules and do what I shouldn't.
If I was putting moves on you I'd be an actor in a play. But now I'm taken in by the scene... Lines forgotten along with the rules to this game.

I left you at your door smiling as the wind howled, assuring you I'd see you again. No date, just sometime.
The only distance between us being physical.
The warmth as my chest pounds, a welcome side effect from a brush with perfection.

Simple

See I remember when life was simple. You know, just You and I. When the biggest decision we had was what we were going to do to pass the time by. Now, we let life pass us by and we don't even blink. Almost feels like we no longer are in sync. Every time we speak it’s about our flow. Business as usual, always on the go. What happened to that person that was there, oh you remember, no phone, no interruptions, no major hustle just simple as life could get.
When a one bedroom was sufficient enough, and two sandwiches was more than enough. When one TV was all we needed. When I was enough there was no cheating. When there were no cars, walking made us feel free. When taking the express 2 or 4 train was high class to me. There was no kitchen, no sink or even a stove. Our closet door was a sheet on a string. We used a ladder to keep our bedroom door closed. A 600.00 check held us down for 2 weeks. There was no H&E washer and dryer because there was a laundry mat down the street.

When we shared a beef patty with coco bread dinner. Now, we have full course meals, and with a straight face, have the nerve to be upset by not being full. Simple days when what we had was plenty, more than enough. Now a days we have more, and tend to be stuck. On making an impression that we rose from the bottom, and now we’re here. Looks like we lost cause now we here with less than what we had. On the go all the time. Apart more than you know. Romantic moments out the door. No time for self because we have to stay afloat.

Simple. ..can we go back to when less was more? Can we go back to the mouse traps on the floor? Simple… can we erase the progress for just one day? Can we take a back seat to making a way? Simple life was it? Or did the struggle set us free? The journey of our lives made us warriors because we survived didn't we??? Nothing was simple it was all a test of our Faith. Where we are now is a blessing. Simply Put ~ Thank You for the Simple because without it there's No Me.

Be grateful for the Simple because it showed what was reality . There's progression and growth in all we do. Your Simple is what molds you . If you look back on life you will clearly see you’re not where you use to be. You’re not even the same. Simple is no longer what you gain. Simple turned into stability and growth. Simple turned into parenting, protection, and hope. Our foundations started off Simple, but our structure had to become strong. In order for us to be able to move on. The Simple sticks with us it's the motivation we need.


See how all those Simple moment's really helped us to succeed!?!

Destroy & Rebuild Presents… ITC

I am a wife, daughter, mother, sister and a friend deep down still a little girl
Trying to escape a lot of pain

Escaping my pain by putting those emotions on paper

Sharing my trials & tribulations so that I may

Help someone else, and be there voice

It’s not easy not being heard

Admitting right, and wrong choices

Constant thoughts running through my mind

Angry at the world for not appreciating what I have endured

Resting on the fact that I am a child of God

There has got to be a better way than this

Enduring all of the pain to eventually

Reach a point of triumph

Now that I have your attention I’m ready to deliver a testimony.

I  Am ITC!!  - Destine 2 Win

She

She says "I can't see myself investing time in this, in us..." I looked at her and thought. "All I invested was time..."
We have time only up until we don't. Time with her passed easily, even incessant arguing was beautiful.
Was I just looking to pass time?
"Time passes easily with you," another thought that I wouldn't vocalize. Too many ways that statement could be taken wrong. I meant it as a compliment, but women like time to stand still when you see them.
Stasis to me is torture.
"When I was lonely, time passed as fast as frozen molasses through a kinked hose, but you baby, you're a pink rose, blossoming in the sludge that I carry, why can't we be merry....."
Do not fucking say that, poetry wouldn't be appropriate right now.
"Tim, do you understand what I mean?" she asks looking deep into my eyes.
Hers are green with orange flecks, fresh cut kiwis spattered with clementine shrapnel. There's a darkness in there. Her dark streak is what got me, a fair-skinned beauty with a meanness to her. She was a conqueror, my heart lay under siege.
Say something.
"You say my name like it has a bad taste," I respond. I'm stalling. I know exactly what she's saying, I know what she's saying because I've heard it out of other's mouths before.
In my head I calculate her words, "can't, myself,invest,time,us" = I'm broken, you hurt me, this is a waste, it's you.
"That wasn't the question Tim", she sighs. Her phone vibrates on the night stand and she makes no motion towards it. Now I know I'm fucked. She's the only girl I've ever loved that never called me Timmy.
"I know...." Stall. Save this. Now I look to freeze time and my mind begins to wander, look at her eyes, look at her beautiful hair, look at her nose and how it sits on top of her mouth, the permanent downward turn her lips take at either side, her hands, delicate but they can deliver a mean slap. Her body, her shape.
Fight to grasp another second here.

When I first saw her, I looked 4 times, a double-double take. I was working a venue, she was dancing.
"A girl like that'll never talk to you Tim." I thought out-loud, my voice drowned out by the music.

"I have real goals Tim and I don't want to end up supporting you." She talks to me now.
Reality rushes in, what "could've been" dissolves into what "is", and what "has been".
I'm never tongue tied. She's made me soft, all that she is envelopes the facade of who I wish to be. She's a gentle mist, entering the cracks. She turns cold and potholes form.
Crumbling, I whisper "I understand, I'm gonna go..."
"Do you not feel anything? Don't you have anything to say?"
Say something, she wants you to tell her how you feel. Share. Go on.
"Thank you."
She's mad now, "For what?"
"Your time, the words I uh, know how difficult I can be..." I stutter like a child as the moment slips, the warmth of the room dissipates and I can see the light in her eyes dim.
"Oh"
I turn the doorknob and show my love, my back.
I cry during the walk home and decide it's her fault. It's her fault is what I tell myself, the tears stop. The anger stops the tears, the cold night clears my thoughts.
"Fuck" I know the truth.

The Other

I'm a cheater, I'm violent, I don't listen and I will fight if I have to. I am the other. The shadow you seek to banish is my habitat and this darkness feeds me. It seems that all the light you seek lies at the end of the tunnel, would your goal at the end be so bright without me inhabiting the tunnel? 

Now not to say being the other is lonely, I have friends. They feed my addictions, and close pathways much like I do. When we gather together the darkness falls, velvet confetti blankets and occludes all. The ancients knew of me and sought to banish me from the self, cast away from man I became the devil, the evil, the monster you run from but can't escape. 

Every prophet this earth has seen has done battle with me, some are left dribbling fools in rubber rooms, the lucky ones die quickly. A very rare few pass on successful tactics to the lost souls that surround them. This is an eternal arms race and, while you have a pitiful lifetime to sharpen your weapon, I've had an eternity to stock my arsenal. 

I am that which you do not dare to even think about, but I am here. Never tired, never hungry, no sleep to be had. I will take more than you can give, and then take more. All I've ever wanted is my place back, as part of man. I'm integral, I swear it... As long as you deny me entry, your gates will be breached. I am the other, the darkness from which light emits, I am the other created as love's twin brother. Find chaos in unity and know we feed each other, you seek the light, it lies in the opposite direction, but not separate from that which I am. The other.

A Serious Game…

Timba, Timmy,Yayo,Tim, Mr. Sturtevant. What's in a name? I'm a man in his early twenties, in the process of making a name for myself, and most likely it won't be any of the aforementioned names I've had over the years. I'm at a point in my life where change happens rapidly as I accelerate deeper into the bowels of adulthood, to be honest i'd prefer to be nameless during this turbulent time. My belongings consist of at least 35 books, and maybe 20 articles of clothing (not including socks and underwear, just to clarify) I live on a couch in Boston with my loving, outgoing sister and her extremely intelligent and ambitious husband. After travelling the world I have come to find that the things I treasure are those which cannot be stolen, experiences, friendships, and lost loves. Lost loves are getting commonplace...As an individual who's life alternates between annihilation and reconciliation I feel honored to be brought on board at Destroy and Rebuild. I seek to build an understanding of others and destroy preconceived notions, I seek to examine my ignorance and find those who make it apparent. But most importantly I seek solace in the written word, not only my own but of all others within our community.

Joy & Happiness: The Difference

A man has made at least a start on discovering the meaning of human life when he plants shade trees under which he knows full well he will never sit.

—D. Elton Trueblood

Our lives are enriched by the contributions of those who lived before us. Many men and women gave more than they ever took from society, and now we enjoy the rewards. Some people were fired with a spirit to beautify the world and planted trees that will live for 200 years. Others wrote music that speaks to us from another generation, and others established a government that guides our principles of justice. They gave so much because they knew they were a part of their community and the world.

I may not make the great contributions that will make me famous, but I can enrich my life and the lives around me when I contribute freely to improving the community and the world. I can do this when I simply say hello to my neighbor, when I serve on a volunteer cleanup committee for a local park, Habitat for Humanity, Caring For The Homeless of Peekskill (C.H.O.P.), and The Food Pantry. These are vehicles that I use to help beautify and contribute to the world, and that gives me a feeling of peace and self-respect.

I wasn't always the person I am today. Knowing who I was and who I aspire to become has given me grace. Being angry, violent, believing in nothing greater than myself, and holding on to the "me against the world" attitude has caused much harm to my self and to those around me. I have a CHOICE and in the M.A.S. I was conflicted for a greater portion of my life lived. Recognizing that I can live different to make a difference has done wonders for my children, my wife, my family, my friends, even some strangers, and me.

The phrase 'joy (AND) happiness' always struck me to be odd. The use of the word 'AND' was always in question- as if joy and happiness were separate entities, and today I believe they are separate in definition.

Happiness is still something I have yet to achieve. I feel as if it is measured by time. For example when someone is happy it describes (to me) a length of time. Happiness seems as though it is a feeling that must be achieved. And forgive me, I can be wrong but I find when someone is happy it isn't for a second, a minute, hours, or even a day. It is a state or a period in their life that they have experienced 'happiness'. I have witnessed people in the act of giving, caring, and planting those trees that were not happy. Yet still they gave.

Joy is a feeling that I have experienced many times before but was too ignorant to recognize. Recently I am blessed to recognize the energy or the electricity it shocks my heart with, my soul, M.A.S. I feel joy is measured by moments, overwhelming instances that cannot be denied, and pure genuine emotion. For example, joy blasts our beings, it shocks the body, it creates tears that cannot be held down, and it sits heavy and in the gut. Again, forgive me, I can be wrong but joy does not have to be achieved, it happens whether we like it or not. It cannot be obstructed. It cannot be controlled. I have witnessed people and myself that weren't happy experience joy in a moment, isolated tiny events, and it is obvious (to me) when it occurs. In the act of giving back to the community, giving back to the universe as it had given to me helps me to feel joy. Planting a tree and seeing it grow knowing I will never sit in its shade gives me joy. Seeing people do for others gives me joy. My heart pounds, my eyes well up, and my spirit is touched when joy overwhelms me.

This is only my opinion. This isn't science, nor are they facts. This is not meant to offend those who claim to be happy- it's just when I hear or read the word happiness it still seems so foreign. However, joy is familiar to me, as this year it has shaken me over as over again. I am so thankful for these moments and without shame.

Plant a tree.

Peace.