Some Problems with my Transport Company!

Benice

I was inspired today...

On a road somewhere in Indiana, the charter bus was quiet, with the exception of a little girl laughing. 

I could see nothing. But I could here her clearly. Her giggle was so precise and free. With my eyes half open I could see the shadowed silhouette of the little girl next to me.

I was on the bus listening to "Internal Flight" by Estas Tonne  when I had fell into a sleep. Now, half awake, Tonne's music and the little girl's laughter were just the right mix of noise and beauty. I awake and gather myself in the bus chair. Next to me, the little girl appears to be 2 or 3 years old playing on a man's lap. I assumed it was her father. She wore a pink jumpsuit with a white stripe down the side. Her hair was red-brown with untamed curls growing beautiful and free. The man had a dark gray t-shirt on with jeans, he had short black hair. Both of them with heavy tan colored skin, maybe black, bi-racial, or dominican. She was kneeling in his lap facing him.

Without a care in the world, without fear, without any doubt she would quickly lean herself so far backwards with her head leading her body and away from him. He would catch her in his arms and pull her close. As she threw herself backwards she would let out a loud and cheerful scream and return to his chest kneeling up right in a fit of giggles. Then she would calm down, look him in the eyes and repeat the same maneuver. Her father waited each time and allowed her to continue without rest. 

I observed them with a gentle smile, feeling the bond between them, their love together, and of course her laughter. I watched her do it over and over again, and watched her father catch her without fail. Then she saw me watching her and smiling. She twisted her body to me and reached both arms out to me the way a little child does when they want to be picked up or held. The father pulled her back as if to say to her not to bother or annoy me. She looked at her father, then looked back at me. She reached out to me again with the warmest smile on her face. How could I be bothered by such pure joy and innocence? I looked at the father kindly and without uttering a word he knew it was okay with me. The father allowed his baby girl to transfer herself to my lap in the same position. Kneeling with her knees on my legs, facing me, she held my shoulders and braced herself. She gave me a few seconds to prepare, her smile opened wide as she suddenly, without fear, without care, without a doubt in the world trusted in me.

With a loud and joyous scream She threw her head back and leaned back so quickly with force and I caught her as her father did and she giggled and laughed. I laughed with her. I pulled her back up and in close, and she did it over and over again. While she kept on I asked her father "What is her name?" He told me her name was Benice (pronounce like "B-Nice"). I was thrown off at first by the pronunciation as it sounded like an MC name or a rapper from the 1980's. She continued to giggle and enjoy herself. I looked back at the father and he had a worried face, as if he were afraid, truly afraid or bothered by a sudden thought of misfortune or something terrible. I asked him, "What's wrong?" He looks at me and said, "I never had to catch her before." It was such an odd moment. I wasn't sure what he meant but assumed he was talking about catching her while she played on his lap. His worried face said more than just that to me, I seem to have shared his worry with him even though I had no idea what it truly was.

I tried to break the air. I asked him if he had any other kids. He told me yes and that he has a son who is 30 ears old. I asked him what is his son's name? He told me his name is Aniki (pronounced like A-knee-key). I repeated his son's name to him to be sure I heard him correctly. The father nodded at me to confirm.

Aniki. Aniki. Aniki, the name kept repeating in my head as his daughter repeating to throw herself back and I continued to catch her. I looked at the father again, and it was not until that moment I realized how young he looked. He was still in his 20's at best. Maybe late 20's and that would be generous. I stayed quiet. I said nothing aloud. In my mind I was asking myself how this man could have a 30 year old child. The moment seemed so distorted.

Then I woke up for real on the Greyhound bus headed to Toma, Wisconsin. I woke up, sitting by myself in the front seat. I immediately looked to my right to see the father and his daughter. No Benice, no man, no more name repeating in my head. I looked around and across the aisle to another passenger. I made sure my eyes were open before I looked again. Then I looked over to the side where in my dream they sat, as if to confirm to myself that it was all a dream. Oddly I could still vision them as they were in my dream. I had to give myself a minute or two to process it all. In the waking seconds I was sure they WERE truly physically there.   

I was lucky and blessed to remember this dream, as I very rarely dream and remember.

The End.

Shine!

Sometimes we need that tiny spark of light to inspire and encourage a world of darkness. Many of us have evolved for the better: however, still within a dark place we’ve found the strength, the courage, and the will to change. While in a dark place, this metamorphosis of the self- is most of time- a good change. For some of us this can be a reoccurring cycle we go through for long periods of time, and for others it can be as long as we can remember. Change can be achieved but can be extremely difficult as we sit in the dark and try and do it alone. We can be ashamed and embarrassed to let others see or know our inner struggles. We only allow the world around us to see what we want them to see, and we decide to control what shines through and what does not.

 

Grant it, we are changing and for the better, it can be a slow and exhausting process. Many of us are unfamiliar with the mere thought that there is a more comforting way to evolve. Evolving outside of that dark place, evolving as a light, and in the light. Some of us are so accustomed to controlling our glimpse of light that we lose the ability to let all of our light shine at once, and more importantly we lose the ability to allow light to shine inwards! So focused on controlling the light, the spark, that flame that lifts us out of our dark place we create a one-way channel, an outward flow of anything good. Rarely do we allow ourselves the inward flow of all things good, the receiving of light. It’s a living and breathing oxymoron. We are so protected and guarded that our insecurities train ourselves to create a false feeling of security.

 

I am guilty of this… I’ve heard others tell me, “You’ve come this far,” or “Look how much you’ve accomplished,” and “You can do anything when you put your mind to it.” I can be the tinted window. I can deflect the light, the love, and the happiness that others want to share with me. I can deflect the smiles, the laughter, and the comfort. I can sit in a dark place and try and change all by myself. This is a lonely place to be in, an unnecessary struggle, and time to time the walls cave in and it takes more strength to hold them from crushing me. Yes, I have evolved and changed for the better, I have come so far, I have come a long way: however, it’s always been me climbing in and out of dark spaces. So I ask myself and I challenge myself, to crawl out of that dark corner and sit in the sun. To let the rays of light, of everything good shine down on me and to let it all in, to allow what I am not accustomed to, to allow what I am unfamiliar with, to touch me in the ways that I need to be touched, to allow myself to be approachable. I challenge myself to see the light that I am where I stand, to recognize that I am the lighthouse that can bring others in dark oceans safely to shore. I challenge myself to be the beacon that others see in me but do not see in myself. I challenge myself to accept and embrace all the beautiful colors of light that others choose to share with me. I challenge myself to accept help, to accept the hands of love that when faced upward light shoots out of their palms like super-natural power. More importantly, I challenge my self to accept the love God has for me and to come to understand it. I challenge myself to love Him wholeheartedly and listen to His grace.

 

Today I’m tired of evolving in a dark place. I choose to evolve in a space that is already well lit and warm. I choose to evolve in the light, in a space where I can smile and laugh, where I can love the way I was created to love. I choose to feel free in the light like a hawk over a mountaintop and under the sun. I want to feel *connected, close to Him, to the universe, and to all living things. Today I choose to shine!

 

Restless

Restless

I can only torture myself with a wonder so loud, it is deafening to my dreams and turns my pillows to cement. With eyes wide open in a dark so black I can't see my thoughts race around my head in circles never ending.

I can't slow them enough to stumble over understanding and steady my mind to aim for answers. I try not to feel pain. I try and block the unnerving thought of the difficulty she has loving herself enough to allow me to love her.

The 'why's' envy the 'what ifs', and my eyes trip over tears that sting my cheeks and taste bitter on my lips. I want to scream in sorrow but she won't hear me. She won't see the fear in my face and the death of my heart.

Ripped to parts, I wait for her to make a sound so I can dance in the music of her voice with my arms spread wide like a child plays in the rain. I wait for her to send me a sign so I can fly like an angel in praise, with silk wings so beautiful my feathers create rainbows for the world to see my joy in her.

My smile becomes a stranger to my face, and my chest pounds with the vibrations of a thousand giants marching to nowhere. My stomach filled with the emptiness of a hunger I can't explain even to myself, a craving I never fathomed would bequeath such misfortune.

Hunting for moments that I can feast upon to create memories to digest, memories that will fill the space between my ribs and atmosphere between my ears so I may be full of comfort and unafraid of fear. Memories that are forever bound to her and always near.

But instead the  thought of losing her weakens my strength and I crumble. Minute to minute I fumble through thorn fields that rip the skin from my ability to love, and I bleed from the pores of my soul to the surface of my vessel with so much discomfort I cannot close my eyes.

Hours go by, and days die, and nights become time I don't look forward to spending. Time that sits stiller than 4am while the world sleeps and still I am awake, staring at nothing, wondering how the walls around me can be so unforgiving they crush what parts of me are still living.

I lay awake, I dare not sleep, for she may forget me. She may turn to look away from me, and I may never see her face again. I may never see her smile, I may never see her laugh, I may never see her weep, while all I want is to know she loves me, so that I can fall asleep.

Choicemas

Open Lotus

As I picked my head up to see before me, instantly magnetic my eyes fixed on you
As if the world became invisible and there were only us two. 

The moment stood still and the seconds ran slow and my legs no longer existed. 
My breathing I could here clearly between my ears and my heart beat shifted

Only the sight before my heart could function well enough to see your smile. 
As you locked eyes with me, each footstep felt like it lasted for years. 
The mystery of you, weighed heavy on all of my fears that...

Love stood before me... and I was without response. Without courage to muster a single word while ashamed of my demure. Time passed and each eye to eye experience captivated the essence of everything my imagination never fathomed before. 

Beyond dreams where the sun meets the moon, where the stars meet the floor and their twilight spills like feelings from my heart while dust turns to light and darkness to bright and with you in my sight...

I implode. All the air around me takes my breath away and twirls me in circles. My nerves dance to the sound of your silence as you look back at me weakening my knees so they dare not approach you. 

How do I... How do I... How do I speak to a beauty so intrinsic that I feel is above me, to a beauty more beautiful than I deserve. How do I introduce your world to mine without falling out of the sky failing to parachute to your expectations. 

And then there was time. Space between us became words and the thrill of your smile brought me closer to your theart. Indeed I was shackled by the portion of my disbelief that I could be a part...

A part of your completion. A part of your whole, a fraction of you. How could I amount to your math. How do I add up to love. How do I divide the distance between the tips of our toes, and the tips of our tongues.

How can I lessen an inch so that I may be in your presence? How can I bend time so that noon kisses midnight and the other 22 hours wrap us in warm days and special nights. How can I complete a sentence, without the taste of your name leaving my tongue and losing your essence.n

You are my revolution, the repudiation of all of my governed thoughts. No longer does structure exist when I crumble over you. You tear down my walls and march to the center of my heart. You open my inner most doors only to find my core belief is you. You make colors come to life and showed me how the moon could be red and the sun could be blue.

You inspire rainbows that paint the sky with dreams of tomorrow, you taught me tomorrow's dreams are dreams we can follow, how the stars are in arm's reach, and the clouds rest beneath our feet. You are the open lotus flower, you bloom love and walk on water.

Joke

Life as a joke
A yoke upon our souls
The lumbering mass of particles
That is me
The stumbling waves of light 
Tumbling eternal
Through the void
Birthed in the mind
Of the Sun
Buried inside God's little punchlines
Us

Your mind rewinds time and patience perseveres as the orgasmic atmosphere clears and you've released your fears~~comfort begins to synchronize with acceptance that I'm here.     
Here in the language of your heart and the mainstream of your every thought~~
Parallel to your existence.
I thought I had it all figured out before being introduced to your prodigious constitution.  My neatly packaged façade was in imminent danger and conscientious provocation offered no immediate solutions.
So when I reached into the reservoir of experiences I stored and found that nothing~~nothing could justify this unfamiliar territory I was beginning to explore I started to travel along the corridors of my mind until I began to find the hallways of my heart, then I slowly traced the landscapes of my core.
I had the keys for these hidden in a place no one has looked before; so hidden I forgot they existed.  They were obstructed by infrastructures built solely upon assumptions about my true self, my true worth, my true inhibitions. 
I seen truth in your eyes; and the dominance in your bravado helped me to relax in the presence of life's adversities~~previously obscured by un-bandaged wounds where sap formed and assurance bloomed.  Buildings were then leveled one by one~~and the sound  tuned chords and plucked strings never strummed.  I listened the song in dreams serenaded by the songs you played.  Listened to the beats you were boxing while in a summer haze and hummed the tune of your orchestrated melody for days and days. I journeyed to the sun blinded by copulance and mesmerized by your ways its such sweet serenity.  I'm captivated by your gestures, bounded where you are until seven times infinity.                

She Knows

Haunted by her eyes.  Imploring, unyielding, void of surprise.  
She knows...Acknowledgement resides inside of dilation.  Its boarders aligned by a condemning gaze subdued by disbelief clouded in haze.  

She knows...and she sees him in the glow of my soul, witnessing the saturation of his adoration in the translucency of my eyes and the confident exuberance of my stride and the sway my hips no longer disguise.

She hears me speak and in between the lines of words unsaid rests his smile accessorized by the subtle tilt of my head.  She analyzes my person, as she inquires within...why not me instead? 

She feels betrayed by Love, angry with Time, weak by Envy and poisoned in the mind.  I wish I could hold her as she articulated what she saw, heard and felt while penetrating her core.  Helping her to reach climax hidden behind circumstance.  Providing keys to unlock restricted doors, and encourage her to keep searching until she has found her definition of "MORE"…  

Because he's just enough for me.  Advise her to cease the search for him because he is within the warmth of my inner thighs and the dip in my breasts.  He is within my treasure and the yearnings of my existence.  He is within me and that is what I know.             

The Moves

I didn't mean to put the moves on you, but that kiss felt perfect. 
I felt the cold air part as you leaned in, the slight curve in the back of your neck.
I swear this isn't game. That half second when you pulled back to breathe my atmosphere, that was perfection. You pulled me close as the snow fell, my lips explored your neck.... a seafarer sighting land. Ambrosia to a starving man. Id claim it if I could, but this land is not mine to claim.
"I know", you repeatedly whisper as I bask in your warmth, finding myself between warm skin and frozen goretex. What is real and what is synthetic...
"I know" you nibble on my ear as I gently lift you, feeling you expand in my hands.
I don't respond because I know as well.
I know this won't last, perfection isn't forever, it's a moment. There to be enjoyed until it's gone. A faint memory of fullness you can't explain.
I swear I'm not running game, I lost the rules. I have incinerated the rules at your altar. I defy the rules and do what I shouldn't.
If I was putting moves on you I'd be an actor in a play. But now I'm taken in by the scene... Lines forgotten along with the rules to this game.

I left you at your door smiling as the wind howled, assuring you I'd see you again. No date, just sometime.
The only distance between us being physical.
The warmth as my chest pounds, a welcome side effect from a brush with perfection.

Destroy & Rebuild Presents… ITC

I am a wife, daughter, mother, sister and a friend deep down still a little girl
Trying to escape a lot of pain

Escaping my pain by putting those emotions on paper

Sharing my trials & tribulations so that I may

Help someone else, and be there voice

It’s not easy not being heard

Admitting right, and wrong choices

Constant thoughts running through my mind

Angry at the world for not appreciating what I have endured

Resting on the fact that I am a child of God

There has got to be a better way than this

Enduring all of the pain to eventually

Reach a point of triumph

Now that I have your attention I’m ready to deliver a testimony.

I  Am ITC!!  - Destine 2 Win

She

She says "I can't see myself investing time in this, in us..." I looked at her and thought. "All I invested was time..."
We have time only up until we don't. Time with her passed easily, even incessant arguing was beautiful.
Was I just looking to pass time?
"Time passes easily with you," another thought that I wouldn't vocalize. Too many ways that statement could be taken wrong. I meant it as a compliment, but women like time to stand still when you see them.
Stasis to me is torture.
"When I was lonely, time passed as fast as frozen molasses through a kinked hose, but you baby, you're a pink rose, blossoming in the sludge that I carry, why can't we be merry....."
Do not fucking say that, poetry wouldn't be appropriate right now.
"Tim, do you understand what I mean?" she asks looking deep into my eyes.
Hers are green with orange flecks, fresh cut kiwis spattered with clementine shrapnel. There's a darkness in there. Her dark streak is what got me, a fair-skinned beauty with a meanness to her. She was a conqueror, my heart lay under siege.
Say something.
"You say my name like it has a bad taste," I respond. I'm stalling. I know exactly what she's saying, I know what she's saying because I've heard it out of other's mouths before.
In my head I calculate her words, "can't, myself,invest,time,us" = I'm broken, you hurt me, this is a waste, it's you.
"That wasn't the question Tim", she sighs. Her phone vibrates on the night stand and she makes no motion towards it. Now I know I'm fucked. She's the only girl I've ever loved that never called me Timmy.
"I know...." Stall. Save this. Now I look to freeze time and my mind begins to wander, look at her eyes, look at her beautiful hair, look at her nose and how it sits on top of her mouth, the permanent downward turn her lips take at either side, her hands, delicate but they can deliver a mean slap. Her body, her shape.
Fight to grasp another second here.

When I first saw her, I looked 4 times, a double-double take. I was working a venue, she was dancing.
"A girl like that'll never talk to you Tim." I thought out-loud, my voice drowned out by the music.

"I have real goals Tim and I don't want to end up supporting you." She talks to me now.
Reality rushes in, what "could've been" dissolves into what "is", and what "has been".
I'm never tongue tied. She's made me soft, all that she is envelopes the facade of who I wish to be. She's a gentle mist, entering the cracks. She turns cold and potholes form.
Crumbling, I whisper "I understand, I'm gonna go..."
"Do you not feel anything? Don't you have anything to say?"
Say something, she wants you to tell her how you feel. Share. Go on.
"Thank you."
She's mad now, "For what?"
"Your time, the words I uh, know how difficult I can be..." I stutter like a child as the moment slips, the warmth of the room dissipates and I can see the light in her eyes dim.
"Oh"
I turn the doorknob and show my love, my back.
I cry during the walk home and decide it's her fault. It's her fault is what I tell myself, the tears stop. The anger stops the tears, the cold night clears my thoughts.
"Fuck" I know the truth.

The Other

I'm a cheater, I'm violent, I don't listen and I will fight if I have to. I am the other. The shadow you seek to banish is my habitat and this darkness feeds me. It seems that all the light you seek lies at the end of the tunnel, would your goal at the end be so bright without me inhabiting the tunnel? 

Now not to say being the other is lonely, I have friends. They feed my addictions, and close pathways much like I do. When we gather together the darkness falls, velvet confetti blankets and occludes all. The ancients knew of me and sought to banish me from the self, cast away from man I became the devil, the evil, the monster you run from but can't escape. 

Every prophet this earth has seen has done battle with me, some are left dribbling fools in rubber rooms, the lucky ones die quickly. A very rare few pass on successful tactics to the lost souls that surround them. This is an eternal arms race and, while you have a pitiful lifetime to sharpen your weapon, I've had an eternity to stock my arsenal. 

I am that which you do not dare to even think about, but I am here. Never tired, never hungry, no sleep to be had. I will take more than you can give, and then take more. All I've ever wanted is my place back, as part of man. I'm integral, I swear it... As long as you deny me entry, your gates will be breached. I am the other, the darkness from which light emits, I am the other created as love's twin brother. Find chaos in unity and know we feed each other, you seek the light, it lies in the opposite direction, but not separate from that which I am. The other.

A Serious Game…

Timba, Timmy,Yayo,Tim, Mr. Sturtevant. What's in a name? I'm a man in his early twenties, in the process of making a name for myself, and most likely it won't be any of the aforementioned names I've had over the years. I'm at a point in my life where change happens rapidly as I accelerate deeper into the bowels of adulthood, to be honest i'd prefer to be nameless during this turbulent time. My belongings consist of at least 35 books, and maybe 20 articles of clothing (not including socks and underwear, just to clarify) I live on a couch in Boston with my loving, outgoing sister and her extremely intelligent and ambitious husband. After travelling the world I have come to find that the things I treasure are those which cannot be stolen, experiences, friendships, and lost loves. Lost loves are getting commonplace...As an individual who's life alternates between annihilation and reconciliation I feel honored to be brought on board at Destroy and Rebuild. I seek to build an understanding of others and destroy preconceived notions, I seek to examine my ignorance and find those who make it apparent. But most importantly I seek solace in the written word, not only my own but of all others within our community.

Joy & Happiness: The Difference

A man has made at least a start on discovering the meaning of human life when he plants shade trees under which he knows full well he will never sit.

—D. Elton Trueblood

Our lives are enriched by the contributions of those who lived before us. Many men and women gave more than they ever took from society, and now we enjoy the rewards. Some people were fired with a spirit to beautify the world and planted trees that will live for 200 years. Others wrote music that speaks to us from another generation, and others established a government that guides our principles of justice. They gave so much because they knew they were a part of their community and the world.

I may not make the great contributions that will make me famous, but I can enrich my life and the lives around me when I contribute freely to improving the community and the world. I can do this when I simply say hello to my neighbor, when I serve on a volunteer cleanup committee for a local park, Habitat for Humanity, Caring For The Homeless of Peekskill (C.H.O.P.), and The Food Pantry. These are vehicles that I use to help beautify and contribute to the world, and that gives me a feeling of peace and self-respect.

I wasn't always the person I am today. Knowing who I was and who I aspire to become has given me grace. Being angry, violent, believing in nothing greater than myself, and holding on to the "me against the world" attitude has caused much harm to my self and to those around me. I have a CHOICE and in the M.A.S. I was conflicted for a greater portion of my life lived. Recognizing that I can live different to make a difference has done wonders for my children, my wife, my family, my friends, even some strangers, and me.

The phrase 'joy (AND) happiness' always struck me to be odd. The use of the word 'AND' was always in question- as if joy and happiness were separate entities, and today I believe they are separate in definition.

Happiness is still something I have yet to achieve. I feel as if it is measured by time. For example when someone is happy it describes (to me) a length of time. Happiness seems as though it is a feeling that must be achieved. And forgive me, I can be wrong but I find when someone is happy it isn't for a second, a minute, hours, or even a day. It is a state or a period in their life that they have experienced 'happiness'. I have witnessed people in the act of giving, caring, and planting those trees that were not happy. Yet still they gave.

Joy is a feeling that I have experienced many times before but was too ignorant to recognize. Recently I am blessed to recognize the energy or the electricity it shocks my heart with, my soul, M.A.S. I feel joy is measured by moments, overwhelming instances that cannot be denied, and pure genuine emotion. For example, joy blasts our beings, it shocks the body, it creates tears that cannot be held down, and it sits heavy and in the gut. Again, forgive me, I can be wrong but joy does not have to be achieved, it happens whether we like it or not. It cannot be obstructed. It cannot be controlled. I have witnessed people and myself that weren't happy experience joy in a moment, isolated tiny events, and it is obvious (to me) when it occurs. In the act of giving back to the community, giving back to the universe as it had given to me helps me to feel joy. Planting a tree and seeing it grow knowing I will never sit in its shade gives me joy. Seeing people do for others gives me joy. My heart pounds, my eyes well up, and my spirit is touched when joy overwhelms me.

This is only my opinion. This isn't science, nor are they facts. This is not meant to offend those who claim to be happy- it's just when I hear or read the word happiness it still seems so foreign. However, joy is familiar to me, as this year it has shaken me over as over again. I am so thankful for these moments and without shame.

Plant a tree.

Peace.

Mind, Body, & Soul

Mind, body, and soul- mental, physical, and spiritual...

I gathered this morning with like minds. It was a powerful session, to say the least.

For me, it's a trifecta. If my mental, physical, and spiritual, is not aligned I'm off-balance completely. It's not an easy task, but sometimes more simple than I perceive it to be.

The mental comes with right thought, and right action. With these comes right direction. In addition, my mental depends on my ability to differentiate between right and wrong, between healthy and destructive living.

The physical comes with moving a muscle. "Move a muscle, change a thought." Exercising, hitting the gym, doing my routine push-ups, going for walks, and playing with my children are all ways that I can keep my physical on point. My physical also depends on my diet. The food that I feed my body reflects my physical and the respect I have for it.

The spiritual comes with surrender. Surrendering to my HIGHER POWER is one way to stay spiritually connected. Hitting my knees and praying throughout the day is another. In addition, reading daily meditations, books about Buddhism, the Bible, and sometimes the Qur'an help as well. Even staying close and spending time with my children help to keep me connected and spiritually healthy.

All dependent on each other, my mental, my physical, and my spiritual need to coexist. There is a harmony that must be achieved, a balance- mind, body, and soul. One without the other is like a puzzle missing it's pieces, incomplete.

For me, staying spiritually and physically connected is much easier than mentally. My mental can be quite dangerous to me at times. It holds resentments, dwells on the past, encourages frivolous mischiefs, and often entices me in all the wrong ways. My mind has a strong ability to hate but my heart does not. My mind has a clever yearning for revenge but my heart does not. My mind can isolate me from my body and soul, but I refuse to let it.  My mind can seek out and befriend depression but body and soul know depression is no friend of min(d). Thank GOD for my spirit which keeps me grounded and my physical that allows me to soldier through and endure. 

Today, I need be aware of my my mental and work towards the balance I need to stay aligned- mind, body, and soul.

It is not an easy task; however, I've come this far and I keep reminding myself it could always be worse. Today, I am grateful for my blessings and will practice an attitude of success and greatness while being transparent with a sense of humility.

I'm going through it, and I'm gonna get through it.

Anniversary of Tragedy

Soon I will face the anniversary of tragedy.

It has it’s own way of waking me.

It shakes me by the shoulder, and the surprise is crushing.

Unexpected, the belief in it all, is impossibly simple.

Concisely confusing, it is brief in its form and non-comprehensive.

Seeming tangible but it is not.

A fading existence, trying to hold on to memories

Memories appear misty and become translucent.

With an eager eye as if it were a reaching hand, I look.

 With hopes to hold on to what is left of it all.

Let go and let HIM.

Let HIM hold onto the treasures that pain me.

Let HIM hold down the rising tides that rush my shores and salt my shell.

Let go and allow myself,

Allow myself to gain understanding so that he may grant me direction.

So that HE may lead me through the tragedy of LOVE and its clutches. 

Chords

When I was a youngster…

Seconds turned into minutes, minutes became hours

Sometimes I waited long into the night before I-

Before I heard the tune of your pain at the piano

Most nights like clockwork you came home and you played

Your scales you played over and over again were

Reflective of your personality, always wanting to be better

A person better you were, more than you knew

Because all you knew were your mistakes

But, that’s not the case- you were great

You were unapproachable but it bared no weight

On me, as I am the son of a humble and powerful king

Powerful in his silence and humble in his nature

You were all these things- to me- and so much more

The peaceful elephant the powerful lion dare not tussle alone with

The young teenager trying to figure out the meaning of life

The hardworking ever-hoping blue-collar father

Trying to feed his family, but trying to feed his hunger

Trying to quench his thirst a presence like thunder

An eerie rumble that shook the world around you

Caught between you and your self, you were-

You were- so sick and so closed, and you so chose better

You so chose vision, hope, and you chose my brother and I

You were healing, and as your eyes opened you understood

The extent of, and severity of, a son’s love for his father

You had wisdom that needed me, as I listened

With battered ears as a young boy

To the surprise of my adult years your guidance

Was- IS worthy of a loving father

You genuinely wanted the best for me

And even when it seemed you could not fathom life

I knew- I knew underneath the thick layer of pain

Were smiles that pierced me like the sun’s rays.

You were amazing and I was amazed

Maybe, just maybe it was the chords you played

With a sound so quiet and yet so profound

I Will Not Pretend

I will not pretend. 

Falling to me knees is what I needed. 

Last night the word unmanageability was the subject of discussion.

Amongst (it) were other powerful words.

‘Unmanageable’ spoke to me as if it were a person in our circle. 

While others spoke, Unmanageable began to quiet itself. 

When I entered the room every thing was in order, so I thought.

Voices lead the way, I listened, and I listened some more.

The first voice spoke as if HE put the story in place for me to hear.

The voice spoke of relative misfortunes and shortcomings, I was familiar.

But so unfamiliar am I that I needed to understand, and I tried.

As time passed and the speaker continued, my emotions were not so becoming.

Becoming unmanageable they were.

I thought to myself.

I tucked deep down inside those tears and tried hard not to vomit feelings.

The speaker spoke, and while the speaker spoke to the circle, HE spoke to me.

HE tells me to listen and to share my feelings.

Now with two voices, one inside and the other out, I try to hear what is said.

I try hard to hear what is meant for me, I understand that I am beside support.

I am beside hearts.

Trust me or do not trust me the speaker says but DO TRUST HIM.

Trust in HIM that I may be thankful for waking today.

Thank HIM for allowing me to be conscious in my sleep.

The speaker was troubled by the words, warranted words.

Working doubly hard to not let the unmanageability of emotions take control of the podium.

A breath, and then silence.

Another breath, and more silence between words.

I looked on with great empathy.

HE was with me.

My Brother, Ian.

After my father passed I was done off. I had hit bottom face down. I felt like I had lost the one person in life that truly BELIEVED in me, who did not JUDGE me, who was CONFIDENT I could achieve - and was capable of- more than I myself could believe, the one person who OFTEN reminded me of how far I had come as a son, a father, and a human being.

I would catch him looking at me with piercing eyes and his serious and calm face. I'd say "What's up Pop?" And he would tell me such things, and say things he's never said. I recognized that sometimes it took a great courage for him to show his affection: but he did, and I was grateful For his effort. I am grateful I can still hear him today. I hear him clearly through my brother Ian Claxton.

Confused and lost without him. I was at the brink of losing everything: my family, my job, my life. So I took a trip to California to run away, to escape. Without knowing, so clouded I did not realize, I was staying with Ian and his beautiful family on my father's Born Day (Sept 20th).

It was that night my Ian and I had an intense exchange of words and emotions. Through it all he shared with me what I thought I lost with my father. Ian truly BELIEVED in me, he did not JUDGE me, he was CONFIDENT I could achieve - and was capable of- more than I myself could believe, he would come to reminded me of how far I had come as a son, a father, a brother, and as GOD's son.

I came to tears that night in disbelief, as Ian's confidence in me was remarkable, and his faith sparked the flame that warmed my spirit and brought me back to life.

I surrendered to my little brother and asked him to tell me what I needed to do, and told him I would listen and do whatever it took: frustrated, broken, angry, terrified, sad, empty. He told me, and I listened, and I committed to doing as he said.

He said,"Bump, have faith in HIM."

Often Ian sends me text messages and calls me. We are closer than we've ever been. He helped me to restore: BELIEF in myself, the CONFIDENCE that I can achieve - and I am capable of- anything I set out to do. He, taught me to recognize how far I've come as a son, a father, a human being, and GOD's son.

Since then my life has taken taken the best turn in 39 years. Since then I have witnessed the blessings and the promises come to life. Since then I can say life has been miraculous.

This morning, I am THANKING GOD for having my brother Ian in my life. 

Bryant Park, Checkmate

Ok, so I walk to Bryant Park 42nd St. before meeting my mother for lunch on 46th and 6th. I find an old timer on the library side who was sitting alone with a chess board and offense (White) in front him. I ask him if it was alright to sit and have a match with him. He smiled, let out a little laugh, stuck out his hand to signal me to sit in the empty seat, which was the defensive side (Black).

I was nervous. He asked me my name, and I told him my name is Choice, and he told me his name was Charles. I nodded my head and shook his hand showing him respect for accepting my challenge.

While I was sitting down and placing my bag to my side, I see out of the corner of my eye, a movement. In a flash, in split second timing, with light speed, and without me even seeing him do so, he had reached across the board and removed my h7 pawn (King's Side), and in the same swipe of the hand he removed his a2 pawn. By the time it took me to sit, set my bag down, and look up he sat staring at me as if nothing happened. Only when I looked at the board and noticed the two pawns missing - which were not only a second ago- did I truly notice what he had done. Bewildered, I said nothing and looked back him with a blank stare. As soon as I was about to ask if we were going to start without the pawns, as soon as I twitched a lip, he pulled his 2 fists from below the table and placed them at eye level in front of me. He said nothing and stared at me. I asked him, "Pick one?" He nodded to say yes. I picked his right hand, which was my left because I am a lefty. He opened his hand and showed the white pawn. It was a game before the game, his way of a fair decision as to which side we would control. He then turned the rubber chess board around so that I was sitting behind the white army of pieces.

Because I was nervous I blurted out to him that it was my first time ever sitting down to play in NYC. He chuckles and said, "(When) I win I hope you wouldn't mind offering me a small donation. "I chuckled back and said I need to get back home on the train Sir.

I made my first move: queen's pawn, e2:e4. He responded, and the opening game was afoot. Quickly we established our pieces, and my opening game seemed to have surprised him. After 5-6 moves we were into the mid game, at which time I made a crucial but wise sacrifice- my knight for his pawn opening up the right flank, or h file to attack his castled king. It through him off as I hoped it would and left him open to attack, and let me establish in the next two moves a strong and powerful position. He retreated, and I pushed with more pressure.

While at the beginning it was just he and I with nobody around us, by this time people began to gather around and watch as the game became more intense and fast. With good position I knew I had to sacrifice more inventory to set up to capture his king. And so I did, and it through him off even more as he was up in inventory. He was wise enough to know I was up to something, and I was wise enough to know I needed to play aggressive to have a chance against him.

Knowing I was close to checkmate and he was up in inventory he began to play his strong pieces and attack with full force, and he was smart to do so because he pushed to the point that he also placed me under great pressure. The onlookers watched quietly and did not move a muscle. Surrounded by people and across the board from a park player I became more nervous, but I kept my focus, as one wrong move and he would mate me with ease.

Suddenly, in the end game we were at each other's throats - Queen to Queen, and my pieces were few but strategically placed so that there was no room for him to make a mistake. Quickly, I move my queen to place him in check and he had the choice to take my queen or retreat. However, knowing if he would have took my queen my rooks and my knight were in place to wipe out his fortress surrounding his queen. Every bit of me hoped that he would retreat in fear of losing his fortress and he did. He relocated his king and did not take my queen, at which point I stormed his beach.

I confronted him powerfully and with every bit of strength and strategy I had left on the board. Every move after was a check. He retreated again and again until I backed his king down to my king side. Finally, he was one move away from checkmate as he knew it. He took minutes to figure out how he let it happen, to try and figure a way out of the checkmate. He leaned back and folded his hand behind his head. He looked up and let out a big sigh of disbelief. He had lost, and my next move was the closing. Instead of letting me put him in checkmate, he leaned forward and said, "There's no way around it, I tried to find a way out. You've won youngster." I smiled softly, but every part of my insides were screaming with victory. My smile wanted to boast with pleasure but I did not let it.

An onlooker asked him why he did not take my queen when he had the chance. He explained to the guy that it was a trap. Had he taken my queen I would have closed on him soon after. In my head, I felt a sense of pride that he recognized what I had done. He told me he was impressed, an tipped his king.

I stood up, he stood up, we shook hands and I bowed my head and thanked him for the match and his time. He said it was a pleasure.

I grabbed my bag, and although I had defeated him, I reached in my pocket took out $2 and handed it to him. Once again, thanking him for a great game of chess.

As I walked away I jumped on the phone and called my mother immediately because I was suppose to meet with her a half hour before then. She said, "What happened Bump, are you okay?" I excitedly told her that I had just finished and won my first game ever in a NYC park. She laughed at me because I let out all the excitement that I held back while in front of the old man and the people surrounding us while we played. She said, "Great, I'll meet you outside on the 45th side, and you can tell me all about it over lunch."

Beautiful day in Manhattan-